It’s really hard to find pictures of me the way I used to be. Probably because I have gotten rid of most of them. It’s hard for me to look at what I used to look like. It makes me sad, really sad. Mostly because I can see the sadness in my eyes. I wasn’t happy, at least not truly happy. I hated the way I looked but didn’t know how to change it. I guess that is why I was able to find a few pictures of the “before” me. I kept a few so I would always remember what I looked like and how I felt. I pull these pictures out every once in a great while. Usually when I am struggling with X, Y and Z, just to remind myself to cut me some slack and to remember I can do hard things. Because believe me it wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy. I am a little embarrassed to put these pictures up where people can see them but I just keep feeling like it is part of my continually ongoing healing process. And I also keep thinking that maybe there is someone out there who is struggling and just needs to know that someone else out there knows how they feel. So here it goes…
This picture was me in 2001, I was graduating from Ricks College. That school year had started out on a real low for me. I had lived with two of my best friends the year before but neither of them came back the second year. I was put in an apartment with 5 other girls. 3 of them were friends/cousins and the other two were roomies the year before. I am super shy and not outgoing and was a billion times more so then so being the odd man (girl) out was hard. Really hard. But eventually things got better and I loved my roommates and also got to be great friends with the girls next door. They were my lifesavers.
These pictures were probably taken in 2002 or 2003. That was when I was at my heaviest. I was living in Provo and had some great roomies and some great friends that lived in the apartment below me. I still wasn’t happy with myself though. Totally lost with what to do with my life and not sure how to figure it all out.
And this is me now (well a few months ago). This is what I look like. Well I usually have sweatpants on so be impressed there is a picture of me with jeans on! And I sometimes wear mascara. Sometimes. But only for special occasions. But this is me, 12ish years later and 95 pounds lighter. And I am happy. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but I have learned a lot in the past 12 years. A. LOT. And I am hoping you will be patient with me as I fill you in on what I have learned. I have high hopes of blogging a lot but see that cute little girl in the picture? She is 10 months old now and mobile and needs the majority of my attention but stay tuned. There is a lot more (of hopefully good stuff!) to come.