A Little Bit Of What Is To Come

I went from the old me to the new me by not dieting. I HATE the word diet. I didn’t give anything up, not anything that I loved. I changed my lifestyle, my habits, my way of thinking. But it isn’t over. It has gotten easier in many aspects yet I still battle so many things. Every. Single. Day. I will probably have what I lovingly call my “fat person brain” for the rest of my life but it is getting better. I am continually learning to appreciate my strengths and love my weaknesses and let them motivate me, drive me to be better every day.

I have so many things I want to talk about. Things like my relationship with food and exercise. The role treats play in my life (and yes they play a big role). My childhood and teenage years. What exercise means to me. Healthy swaps that I make in food. What the last straw for me was. My unhealthy habits and what the hardest ones to give up were. I am willing to talk about anything and everything. For the first time in my life I am opening up all the way, no more closed book of Jamie, so ask me anything! Anything you want to know about my journey, exercise, what I eat, just ask!

I am completely overwhelmed and humbled by the response I have had to the first couple of posts. I honestly was not joking when I said I thought my husband and my parents would be the only ones who read this. I wanted to do this as therapy for myself and couldn’t have guessed anyone would have an interest in anything I might say. I am so grateful for the love and support of all of you. And the thought that what I have gone through might help someone out there with what they are going through is very overwhelming for me but makes me want to keep at it. If I had to go through all of this so that I could now maybe give someone who is struggling some hope, hope that they can get through their own hard times, then it was worth it. All of it, the hard days (years), the tears, the pain, worth it all.

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Olivia

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For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of meeting this little lady you are really missing out. Olivia is the sweetest most adorable baby I have ever known. And no, I am not biased. I snapped these right before nap time today and as I look at them am just filled with so much love. It has been a rough February and March around our house. She has been sick and/or teething for all but one week of those two months. Not exaggerating. It has been hard to see her not feel well and be in pain and not be able to make everything alright. We just kept the antibiotics and Ibuprofen in her and were there with lots of snuggles when she needed them. Today she is a little bit more back to her happy self and all I can say is hallelujah! Here’s to hoping warmer weather means the sickness goes away for a long time.

A friend of ours who does samples at Costco, we saw her the other day when Olivia was having a less than great day and her advice was, “Just love her”. So today as I was trying to get a few things done like eat and get dressed and Olivia just crawled after me fussing and saying mamamama. I stopped and thought everything else can wait, even food. I am going to just sit on the floor with her on my lap and play and just love her. So we read books and played with blocks and she just kept leaning back in to me for a hug and kept giving me snotty slobbery kisses on my cheek. And I just thought this is what I always wanted and I finally have it. She has taught me through all of this to be more patient and more loving and reminded me once again that I can do hard things. And even though it has been SO hard around here lately we are making it through one day at a time. ¬†And this little girl just needs her mom today and I am going to give her that. Because one day, that I know will come far too soon, she isn’t going to need me anymore, so for today I am all hers.

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Then And Now

It’s really hard to find pictures of me the way I used to be. Probably because I have gotten rid of most of them. It’s hard for me to look at what I used to look like. It makes me sad, really sad. Mostly because I can see the sadness in my eyes. I wasn’t happy, at least not truly happy. I hated the way I looked but didn’t know how to change it. I guess that is why I was able to find a few pictures of the “before” me. I kept a few so I would always remember what I looked like and how I felt. I pull these pictures out every once in a great while. Usually when I am struggling with X, Y and Z, just to remind myself to cut me some slack and to remember I can do hard things. Because believe me it wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy. I am a little embarrassed to put these pictures up where people can see them but I just keep feeling like it is part of my continually ongoing healing process. And I also keep thinking that maybe there is someone out there who is struggling and just needs to know that someone else out there knows how they feel. So here it goes…

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This picture was me in 2001, I was graduating from Ricks College. That school year had started out on a real low for me. I had lived with two of my best friends the year before but neither of them came back the second year. I was put in an apartment with 5 other girls. 3 of them were friends/cousins and the other two were roomies the year before. I am super shy and not outgoing and was a billion times more so then so being the odd man (girl) out was hard. Really hard. But eventually things got better and I loved my roommates and also got to be great friends with the girls next door. They were my lifesavers.

These pictures were probably taken in 2002 or 2003. That was when I was at my heaviest. I was living in Provo and had some great roomies and some great friends that lived in the apartment below me. I still wasn’t happy with myself though. Totally lost with what to do with my life and not sure how to figure it all out.

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And this is me now (well a few months ago). This is what I look like. Well I usually have sweatpants on so be impressed there is a picture of me with jeans on! And I sometimes wear mascara. Sometimes. But only for special occasions. But this is me, 12ish years later and 95 pounds lighter. And I am happy. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but I have learned a lot in the past 12 years. A. LOT. And I am hoping you will be patient with me as I fill you in on what I have learned. I have high hopes of blogging a lot but see that cute little girl in the picture? She is 10 months old now and mobile and needs the majority of my attention but stay tuned. There is a lot more (of hopefully good stuff!) to come.