Rob and I were watching an episode of Modern Family on Hulu last night. There was a company meeting happening and birthday cake being passed out for someone’s birthday and she said, “It’s not really my birthday, I just wanted cake…I eat trash because I am trash”. I laughed and said that is totally me. Rob gave me the “don’t talk about my wife that way” look and I quickly changed the subject.
But since this blog is all about me working through all the craziness in my head, all the craziness that I for some reason feel like sharing with the world…but maybe someone else will feel a little less crazy about themselves after reading about my crazy…so here is some of my crazy…
So this is me being honest, some days I really do feel like I am trash because that is all I ate. I know I should never feel that way because I have a beautiful daughter that I miraculously grew inside my body. I have an incredible husband who ever day I look at and think how did I get so lucky? Of all the girls he chose me. I have an incredible family and great friends. I have a body that is healthy and most of the time can do some pretty great things. And most importantly I am a child of God. I am created in his image and I know He isn’t trash so why do I let myself feel that way?
I know it’s the world, the world out there that is telling me exactly how much I need to weigh, what size my clothes should be, what my hair and make up should look like, how I need to dress. Telling me how immaculate my house should be, all of the gourmet meals I should be cooking and all of the Pinterest projects I should have completed. It makes me feel guilty because sometimes my baby won’t eat anything other than crackers all day and I let her because I figure well she is eating something and I don’t have the energy to concoct incredible tasting made from scratch, sugar-free and sodium-free homemade baby food for her. I know I shouldn’t listen to any of that but I do, sometimes a lot, and I make myself feel better by eating all of the treats and greasy cheesy goodness I can find and then I sit and feel like I really am trash. That I can’t do anything right, I can’t prevent myself from not eating horrible, that I should just give up, stop trying because really at this point what is the point?!?
Some nights Rob gets home from work when I have had one of my trash days and I complain to him about how many treats I ate that day and how awful I am. He has to remind me that it is ok, it’s ok to slip up every now and then. Nobody is perfect and I don’t have to be either. He reminds me that tomorrow is a new day and he knows me. He knows I will get up and work out harder because of it. He knows I will plan out my day better and eat a lot more healthy things and a lot less trash. He reminds me I am human and it’s ok. I am grateful he is always there to remind me, although sometimes it would be nicer if he was there earlier in the day to remind me and stop me from eating all the treats!
So let’s all cut ourselves some slack and not beat ourselves up over every little thing. Remember you are human just like me. We mess up, we fall of the horse but that is ok, that isn’t what matters. What matters is that you get up the next day and you try harder, you be a little bit better than you were the day before. That is what has gotten me to this point in my journey. It took a lot of effort to get to here and so you had better believe there were lots and lots of days where I messed up big time. But I got up the next day and did better, made up for the bad day. Now if I could just figure out a way to remind myself of that before I beat myself up and feel like trash then life would be that much better. But I am working on that. I have come a long ways from where I was. The majority of my days used to be “I am trash” days but I can happily say that they are definitely fewer and farther between than they used to be.