If You Knew My Story

I haven’t heard of the Broadway show Bright Star, it’s a new one this year. But I saw a link posted to a song from it and I listened to it thought this song is awesome, I have to find the lyrics. Listen to the whole thing here…

If you knew my story you’d have a hard time
Believing me, you’d think I was lying
Joy and sorrow never last
I’ll die trying not to live in the past
If you knew my story
My heaven and my hell
If you knew my story
You’d have a good story to tell

As I head the first part of the song I thought that is so me. People see me now, see my exterior and immediately make assumptions about who I am and what I have been through. I have had people tell me that I have it “easy”. That I have the “perfect life”. That I am thin and don’t understand what people go through. I can eat whatever I want and not worry about it. That I am so lucky that I don’t have anything hard to deal with. That I just don’t understand.

Sometimes when I hear these things from people I think wow, do you even know me at all?!? Do you know the hard times, the depression, the self loathing and hating. The tears. Do you know how HARD I have worked and how it is still a battle every. single. day. Maybe if you really took a minute to really get to know me you would see that we aren’t that different. Just because I have had some victories in some areas of my life doesn’t mean I am not struggling with things that come easy to you. Every day is still a struggle.

But I really will die trying not to live in the past. The past was the past and I daily am working to move past it. I want to get to the point where I look in the mirror and see me. Not the hair that has all sorts of lengths to it because I lost so much hair after having a baby. I don’t want to see the skin that isn’t perfect and has a few too many wrinkles in it. The huge bags under my eyes. The skin that was stretched out from being over weight and then stretched again from carrying a baby and I will forever have to be trying to suck it in. The fat in some areas that regardless of what I have done will never go away. That I will always jiggle a little more than I would like. That someday I can get rid of my “fat person brain”.

I guess that is why I want you to know my story, all of you. I want to tell it so that I can move past it. I want to tell it so that someone else who may feel all alone in their struggles will realize that they aren’t. I want to learn to love my body and all of it’s imperfections. I have come a long way in that aspect but it is still a work in progress. Probably always will be. But every single day when I watch that perfect baby girl come toddling towards me with the biggest open mouth grin, so excited and proud of herself because she is figuring out how to walk, I want to be grateful for my body and all of it’s imperfections. I carried a baby for 9 months (and 6 days) and was able to do so without a problem. I want to think of my stretch marks and extra skin as my battle wounds. They are proof that my body is tough, a reminder of where I was and of where I am now. I want to feel the excitement for my body that my little girl does as she figures out how to make hers work like she wants it to. It really is impossible to spend even ten minutes with her and not feel great about life.

Me I’m not alone
Tell me I’m not alone
Many backs have broken from lesser weight I know
I was born to carry more than I can hold
Even though I’ll stumble
Even though I’ll fall
You’ll never see me crumble
You’ll never see me crawl

I know that some of you might read this and think I am silly. That I shouldn’t worry about some of the things I do. Maybe you think that your struggles are much worse than mine and I should stop complaining about my lesser struggles. Our struggles are each our own and what is easy for one may be the hardest thing for another. But the important thing is we were made to carry more than we can hold. Don’t forget that. And you definitely will see me stumble and fall as I share more things with you but you will also see me get right back up and be stronger because of it. I may not be as tough as I want to be but I NEVER want to go back to feeling the way that I used to. If I can just be a little stronger today than I was yesterday than today was a success. It may be a minuscule amount but as long as it is there then it was a success.

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